If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
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Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.