The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
You Might Also Like
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.