Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
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Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
No way!
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story