Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
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It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.