Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
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When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
It be like that sometimes 😆
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy