Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
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Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Simple
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland