*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
You Might Also Like
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
This trial is so absurd 😭
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Me if I was a dog