I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
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[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet