Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
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facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.