Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
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I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
This has made my week.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Meme Monday.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.