911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
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I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Vodka burrito was a success
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today