The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
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[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
My new favorite headline
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
PLOT TWIST:
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks