Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
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[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Not messing around
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.