On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
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On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize