According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
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Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.