I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
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[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
podcasts
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Yup
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”