My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
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Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
These work great until they don’t.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy