Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
You Might Also Like
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
RT if you could go either way.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.