I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
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Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?