DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
How it started: How it’s going:
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket