Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
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me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Dishonest mechanic?
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”