I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
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Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
me when I see my crush
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever