Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
You Might Also Like
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.