Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
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Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget