12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
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WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
The two types of wives
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”