[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
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Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”