There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
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Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.