The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
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Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time