New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
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Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I’m putting together a team
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Everyone’s family
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.