“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
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Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
The smoothest fall of all time
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs