Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
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My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Tuesday
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I only treason on days ending in y
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh