Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
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The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Banderslack Clamberdorch
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.