Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
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You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.