Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
You Might Also Like
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.