Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
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5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
crying
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
😂😂😂
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?