when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
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I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.