BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
You Might Also Like
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.