Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
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Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long