I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
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4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Things will get butter, keep churning
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience