Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
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The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake