my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
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I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
God has abandoned us.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store