My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
You Might Also Like
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
bury ourselves
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture