Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
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*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.