Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
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ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
#MeanwhileInCanada
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
A couple who are silly together stay together.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen