I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
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I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
🤣
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
is this meant to deter me