What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
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No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir