if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
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Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
The three genders.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication