Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
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Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
*gets down on one knee*
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Weighing up my bread heating options
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.