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Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Lmfaoooooo
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
TEETH IS INNOCENT
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this