If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
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can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.